At the young age of nine, Emily Violet was placed into foster care after being left home alone with her 11-year-old sister for days at a time. Starting a new life in foster care was a major adjustment and presented Emily with many challenges.

One of her biggest challenges was moving frequently from one home to another, which required constant adaptation to new environments and foster parental rules. She occasionally found herself in the care of foster parents with different religious beliefs from her own, which sometimes led to what Emily refers to as “personality clashes.”

It was in her final foster home that Emily was placed with a foster mother who really pushed her to focus on her education and encouraged her to do her best. With much work and encouragement from her foster mother, she was able to reenter the mainstream school system, but she would not be graduating with her friends. This overwhelmed Emily to the point where she often considered skipping school, but her foster mother continued to push her and told her that if she did not finish her classes she’d have to go back to the continuation school. While at the time Emily felt that her foster mother was nagging her, she recognizes that she was in fact motivated to get up from bed and out of the house in the mornings.

Emily remembers her foster mother doing special things to make the foster children in her home feel cared for; she occasionally took them on daytrips and out to dinner. Emily noted that while she appreciated these actions and recognized them as positive attempts on the part of her foster mom, she often felt awkward being seen in public with such a visibly diverse group of kids. She felt that other “normal” families were watching them and wondering about them. Despite her unease, Emily recalls the pedicures that her foster mom would take her to get and the joyous birthdays that were celebrated. She remembers the graduation party that her foster mom threw for her and her foster sisters, complete with a graduation cake.

It was in this final foster home of one-and-a-half years that Emily had foster parents who encouraged her to be responsible and to prepare for life as an independent adult. They emphasized the importance of having a job and, through her jobs as an office aid and in retail, Emily developed good communication skills. As Emily puts it, she was “paid to be nice to people” and show good customer service skills. Her hard work paid off; she was able to save money for the day when she would leave foster care. Working even allowed Emily to afford a car at the age of 17, and her foster parents helped her get her driver’s license.

At the age of 18, Emily emancipated (left foster care) and was presented with both newfound freedom and responsibilities without the support of her foster parents. She was suddenly presented with the adult responsibilities of dealing with bills, food, rent and difficult roommates. Fortunately Emily learned of and joined Aspiranet’s Transitional Housing Plus (THP+) program through which she found the support network she was in great need of.

Emily remains in touch with her final foster family since having left their care. Emily views her years in foster care as a time which strengthened her as a person, and believes that she learned much more about the world at a young age than many of her peers.

Foster teens have a negative reputation, in Emily's view, but she believes that they are just looking for a parental figure who won’t judge and instead accept them for who they are. In her opinion, foster teens are looking for foster parents who will provide an environment of normalcy and balanced freedom that’s usually missing from their lives. She attributes some of her success to her final foster mother, who “gave her a second chance” and taught her that hard work pays off.

Emily reflects, “I went through stuff that I shouldn’t have gone through in foster care, but everything happens for a reason and it’s made me the person I am today. Foster kids have to go through a lot of stuff, but in the end it’s worth it because you get schooling and some support.”

At the age of 12, Nai was removed from her family of seven siblings and placed in a foster home. At the time, Nai (the second oldest child) and her older sister were caring for their younger brothers and sisters as her parents were usually absent. Being placed in foster care was extremely difficult for the siblings, who were separated and sent to live in different counties. Nai had become used to serving as caretaker for her younger siblings, and spent the first couple of years in foster care worrying about her brothers and sisters. Visitation opportunities together were rare, and over time Nai became resentful of and disappointed in her parents for being unable to “put the family back together again.” She had a very difficult time dealing with the fact that what she had viewed as a temporary placement in foster care would be a permanent state of reality until her coming of age at 18 years old. This was a devastating realization for Nai.

One of the greatest challenges Nai faced as a teenager in foster care was coming to terms with her identity as a foster child. Her school peers viewed her foster child status as a negative trait which made it really hard to trust her friends who would shy away from her when she opened up to them

“I felt really alone… I didn’t feel that I could talk to anyone as I didn’t know anyone else in my situation.”

In fact, Nai started to keep her foster kid identity from friends until her junior year of high school when she finally felt comfortable enough to share her story with others. Her change in attitude was largely due to her placement in a healthy foster family environment.

Nai lived in two foster homes until her final placement with a supportive and loving foster family. At first, it was really difficult for her foster family as they were not sure how to emotionally connect with the quiet and reserved teen. Nai explains that it was just very difficult for them to understand what she was going through. But, her foster parents supported her as much as they could, and encouraged her to become involved in school academics and sports to keep her active and busy.

The turning point for the family came one day when Nai was sent to her middle school’s principal’s office for wearing a sleeveless shirt. The principal called Nai’s foster mom to come to the school for a meeting.

Nai recalls, “When my foster mom arrived at the principal’s office, she said, ‘My daughter hasn’t done anything wrong.’  She backed me up and supported me.” It was then that Nai realized that her foster mom would, “always be there for me and support me.”

In looking back at her years as a teen in foster care, Nai remembers that her foster parents showed her unconditional support and caring.

“They made me feel like an equal in their house. They treated me right.”

Together, Nai and her foster sister (her family’s biological daughter) would do chores as household duties were shared equally. Her parents made sure to treat her as one of their own children, doing whatever they could to make her feel a part of their family - even introducing her as their own daughter. Nai remembers their extreme willingness and availability to help her with her homework – her father with math and her mother with arts and crafts projects.

Nai points out that her foster parents’ commitment and support was crucial during her formative teenage years when she found herself changing in so many ways.

“[My foster parents] showed me the positive side of going to school, and supported me in my career choices.”

Nai found herself motivated by their positive encouragement both in school and on the playing field, where she developed her teamwork skills and slowly learned to trust others. Being given the opportunity to really be a kid after having had the responsibility of caring for her younger siblings opened her up to doing teenage “stuff” such as hanging out with friends and getting involved in extracurricular activities.

Having been an introverted teen, Nai’s foster parents also worked to instill in her the importance of expressing herself and standing up for her opinions and beliefs.

“They always played a big role in my life, and encouraged me to be a more open person… a more outspoken person.”

Nai believes that this encouragement made her stronger in comparison to her initially shy and soft spoken personality.  Now, Nai stands up for what she believes in and speaks out.

At the age of 23 and out of foster care for five years, today Nai is studying to become a pharmacist at Stanislaus State University. When asked if she still has a relationship with her former foster family, Nai responds, “I’m definitely still really close to them. I visit them on holidays… I still call them mom and dad. They’re always there to support me.”

Nai advises potential and current foster parents to encourage teens in their care to be the best that they can be and to do things that will affect their lives positively.

“Every kid is different, so try to support them in what they want to do. [My foster parents] really tried to help me out as much as they could. I’m really thankful that I got placed in foster care as I might have otherwise been in a much worse situation with my education and in terms of becoming a successful individual.”  

Over the past 20 years, Aspiranet ProFamily Program Director Wanda Harlan has been a foster parent to more than 40 teens. Along with her two biological sons, she has at times had up to six foster children in her household including sibling sets and a young teenage mother and her baby. In addition to her role as a foster parent, Wanda’s position as ProFamily Program Director enables her to assist foster children to reunify with their biological families. Wanda and her husband currently have two foster teens ages 15 and 16 living with them.

The couple made the decision to become foster parents early in their marriage when their biological sons were only eight months and two years old. Wanda’s husband grew up with foster sisters, so it was a natural choice for them to include foster children in their family. When asked what contributed to her ability to successfully foster teens over the years, Wanda cites, “A strong support system from extended family, unified approach to parenting, and non-judgmental attitude.”

Most of the foster teens who have joined Wanda’s family were permanently removed from their biological families and in the foster care system for years before reaching her home. Because of this, teen foster children are often already set in their ways. Wanda notes, “They learn to change to who they need to be to fit in with each new place, so it is hard for them to be themselves and to find out who they actually are.”

Wanda believes that the greatest impact is made with foster children by being open, realistic, caring, consistent, and non-judgmental. She reassures them that she is always there for them and they have a place to come if they ever need something. Wanda recently received a call from one of her foster daughters whom she had not heard from in two years. The young woman had been going through a difficult time, and she called to say that she was thinking of Wanda and needed to see her, asking for Wanda’s assistance in helping her through this tough period.

Throughout the process of fostering teens, Wanda comments that it is often the “everyday things that are taken for granted, such as yearbooks, class pictures, class rings, trips to the beach or zoo, and birthday parties with family” that make a difference, since many foster teens do not have memorabilia or occasions to commemorate special moments in their lives. She strives to keep day-to-day life as normal as possible and demonstrate the importance of family structure, working together, and including everyone.

Wanda also believes that a key element of foster parenting is preparing teens to make good decisions when they leave the foster care system (are emancipated) at the age of 18. A significant part of this process is encouraging foster teens to be in contact with their biological families as well as to assist them in developing an understanding of how to interact with family within proper boundaries and on their own terms. Once a foster child is emancipated and transitions out of the foster home, there are many challenges that come with this newfound freedom.

Most are in a hurry to have the freedom of emancipation after being restricted by the system for so long. Some turn to drugs and alcohol while others jump into having their own family too quickly (to recreate a family structure of their own). Yet others move from friend to friend, looking for a place to stay. Although two of Wanda’s former foster sons are now in prison, they continue to maintain a lifelong connection with her family to this day. “They still call to check in, and one asked me to meet with his 15-year-old son who is also in the foster care system in the area,” said Wanda.

Wanda is still in touch with about half of her foster children. Most teens dislike the foster care system and the lack of control they have over their lives. “Some are responsive and others are less receptive, but many have a greater appreciation after they leave their foster homes,” said Wanda. She leaves it up to the foster teens to reach out and make decisions about their future since so many choices have already been made for them over the years. Wanda believes that, “sticking by them, not giving up on them, showing a consistent presence in their lives, and remaining non-judgmental,” has resulted in the long-term relationships she has with them.

Wanda believes that there are misconceptions that foster teens are often “bad” or “trouble”. “Ultimately they are just kids being kids and need to be cared for as any other human being. Foster teens need to bond with parents just as much as younger kids,” said Wanda. “For those that think it will be too hard to say goodbye to a foster child, that child will always be a part of your life.”