Over the past 20 years, Aspiranet ProFamily Program Director Wanda Harlan has been a foster parent to more than 40 teens. Along with her two biological sons, she has at times had up to six foster children in her household including sibling sets and a young teenage mother and her baby. In addition to her role as a foster parent, Wanda’s position as ProFamily Program Director enables her to assist foster children to reunify with their biological families. Wanda and her husband currently have two foster teens ages 15 and 16 living with them.

The couple made the decision to become foster parents early in their marriage when their biological sons were only eight months and two years old. Wanda’s husband grew up with foster sisters, so it was a natural choice for them to include foster children in their family. When asked what contributed to her ability to successfully foster teens over the years, Wanda cites, “A strong support system from extended family, unified approach to parenting, and non-judgmental attitude.”

Most of the foster teens who have joined Wanda’s family were permanently removed from their biological families and in the foster care system for years before reaching her home. Because of this, teen foster children are often already set in their ways. Wanda notes, “They learn to change to who they need to be to fit in with each new place, so it is hard for them to be themselves and to find out who they actually are.”

Wanda believes that the greatest impact is made with foster children by being open, realistic, caring, consistent, and non-judgmental. She reassures them that she is always there for them and they have a place to come if they ever need something. Wanda recently received a call from one of her foster daughters whom she had not heard from in two years. The young woman had been going through a difficult time, and she called to say that she was thinking of Wanda and needed to see her, asking for Wanda’s assistance in helping her through this tough period.

Throughout the process of fostering teens, Wanda comments that it is often the “everyday things that are taken for granted, such as yearbooks, class pictures, class rings, trips to the beach or zoo, and birthday parties with family” that make a difference, since many foster teens do not have memorabilia or occasions to commemorate special moments in their lives. She strives to keep day-to-day life as normal as possible and demonstrate the importance of family structure, working together, and including everyone.

Wanda also believes that a key element of foster parenting is preparing teens to make good decisions when they leave the foster care system (are emancipated) at the age of 18. A significant part of this process is encouraging foster teens to be in contact with their biological families as well as to assist them in developing an understanding of how to interact with family within proper boundaries and on their own terms. Once a foster child is emancipated and transitions out of the foster home, there are many challenges that come with this newfound freedom.

Most are in a hurry to have the freedom of emancipation after being restricted by the system for so long. Some turn to drugs and alcohol while others jump into having their own family too quickly (to recreate a family structure of their own). Yet others move from friend to friend, looking for a place to stay. Although two of Wanda’s former foster sons are now in prison, they continue to maintain a lifelong connection with her family to this day. “They still call to check in, and one asked me to meet with his 15-year-old son who is also in the foster care system in the area,” said Wanda.

Wanda is still in touch with about half of her foster children. Most teens dislike the foster care system and the lack of control they have over their lives. “Some are responsive and others are less receptive, but many have a greater appreciation after they leave their foster homes,” said Wanda. She leaves it up to the foster teens to reach out and make decisions about their future since so many choices have already been made for them over the years. Wanda believes that, “sticking by them, not giving up on them, showing a consistent presence in their lives, and remaining non-judgmental,” has resulted in the long-term relationships she has with them.

Wanda believes that there are misconceptions that foster teens are often “bad” or “trouble”. “Ultimately they are just kids being kids and need to be cared for as any other human being. Foster teens need to bond with parents just as much as younger kids,” said Wanda. “For those that think it will be too hard to say goodbye to a foster child, that child will always be a part of your life.”